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Emily [userpic]
Pretty personal stuff
by Emily (emily25069)
at April 2nd, 2005 (11:25 pm)

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I LOVE my husband and I think we are a great team. We have a great marriage I think, as far as our personalities go. Of course there are things that we annoy eachother with.. like.....hm... I wish he could learn to throw his granola bar wrappers away instead of leaving them on the counter.. stuff like that, but for the most part, we are totally best friends and I believe that this will carry us through any problems that we may face.

however

we dont really have a strong *Christian* marriage. He's not really the leader. It really is like we are equals and we each get a vote. I submit to him if there is something that needs submitting..(like if something has to be one way or the other and neither of us want to budge.. I usually end up budging).. But, I do make a lot of big decisions.. Like.. It was I who decided that Matthew couldnt get spanked anymore and he followed me.

As much as I like this arrangement, it can sometimes make me feel uncertain. I do believe that God planted in us the desire to follow our husbands, so him leaving me with SO MUCH room to breathe can be kind of unsettling.

I pray about it, and I feel like I should just probably follow him anyways, but the scary part is that I would be following him into unGodly things sometimes.. Like his band. My husband plays in what I would consider a pretty unGodly band every week. I SO hate that he does this. There is nothing good about it besides the fact that drums are one of Barry's loves and gives us extra money that is supposed to go towards bills but usually ends up wasted. It takes away valuable weekend time.. It has Barry in an environment that I TOTALLY dont approve of..(some of the guys in the band cheat on their wives on a weekly basis. I understand that it isnt cheating by the worlds standards and that its all just an "act", but I told Barry that if he ever "acted" that way, he would be out).. He comes home smelling like smoke and beer and I dont want my kids around that. I want my kids to grow up around a mommy and daddy who love the Lord and act like it. I want Godliness to be the atmosphere around our house, and I just dont think that that is happening. I feel sometimes hurt about the band, because before he joined he asked me what I thought, and I told him that I didnt think it was a good idea for a plethora of reasons, and he joined anyways.

Its extremely hard to follow a man that isnt acting Godly.. but when I pray on this, every single time I feel convicted that following him is what is going to bring him to where he should be... I think that if I start to cry (like I feel like doing when the subject comes up) and tell him that he is doing horrible things to our relationship, then he is only going to end up resenting me and feeling unloved himself. The bible says to win him with my actions, and so that I must do. I know that I have to do this.. its putting it into practice that is extremely hard..

So, I have been going through a bit of depression over the above paragraph. .. actually, I have been having a really hard time with it. Barry knows how I feel, but doesnt seem to think its as serious as it is. He either blows it off or Im not getting the point across well, but I dont want to nag.. The bible says that it is better to live on the corner of a roof than to live with a naggy wife..(not in those words exactly, but I dont have my bible in front of me).. I dont want to be a naggy wife.

I really just needed to vent about this I think.

x-posted to heartofthehome

Comments

Posted by: Melissa (lil_irish_lass)
Posted at: April 3rd, 2005 06:13 am (UTC)
Husbands ok.....

It's not wrong to let him know how you feel about it when it comes up, but don't make a point of it, you know? And keep it about you.

That said, prayer is a wife's best weapon :) If he's truly not doing what he should be doing, the Holy Spirit can bring conviction. And it will be right and in the right timing and right way. The Lord may use your words and actions to help that along, but be ever so prayerful about it.

Also, whenever I think of situations like this, I think of Abraham and Sarah. Abraham at one point told Sarah to lie about their marital status, and she ended up being taken as a wife to the pharoah or whatever he was. But, if you read it closely, God protected her. In fact, even tho she was 'taken as a wife' her new 'husband' hadn't slept with her. Which is rare. So even though Abraham's foolish and sinful choice landed them all in hot water and uncomfortable circumstances, her honor was upheld. Certainly, there are things we should not follow our husbands in, like, say, commiting murder. lol. But in this instance, Sarah followed her husband and willingly submitted even tho I'm sure she knew it was wrong and bad, but God covered her in her obedience to her husband.

I'll also pray for you. :)

Posted by: Olivia (marchmouse)
Posted at: April 3rd, 2005 06:44 pm (UTC)

I would HIGHLY suggest "Created To Be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl. I believe it can be purchased on Amazon. It will do you a world of good and is worth every penny.

I'm not married, but mama is always instructing me about how wives should subit and such. She always tells me that it's not the wife's place to determine weather or not what their husbands are doing is right or not. It's also not their place to try and 'convict' them about it. They will be held accountable for what they did, if it is indeed wrong.

When situations come up ask him what HE thinks, and then DO it. Mama is always telling me that don't ask your husband what he thinks about it and then decide that it's not best and decide to do it differently etc. Ask him what HE wants YOU to do and then do it joyfully. A man should lead no matter what, but a lot of times they're afraid to do so because they don't know what kind of a reaction they'll get from their wives - If you think what he says is wrong and unbiblical. Even if you see it to be something as not a good idea or not 'in God's will' do it anyway. As the Spiritual Head of your family God will hold him responsible for the way he leads his family. The only things a husband shouldn't be obeyed in is if he tells you to do something against the law, because that is outside of his juristicion. God has put government in place to govern men so that they don't have complete and total control to make their wives do unlawful things.

He comes home smelling like smoke and beer and I dont want my kids around that.
It will be much worse if they have to be around a mama that they know is upset with their daddy for the things he chooses to do.

I want my kids to grow up around a mommy and daddy who love the Lord and act like it.
You can't make your husband love the Lord nor can you make him act like he does. Trying to will only make your home a miserable place. - All YOU can do is for YOU to love the Lord and ACT like it. One way to love him is to obey him of course, and in that you will honor and respect the choices that your husband makes.

Perhaps he likes the band because he loves music and at the band he can be around other people who are as enthusiastic about it as he is! Do you show an intent intrest in the things that he finds fun?

I'll say a prayer for you. Hope that these thoughts might be of some help. :)

Posted by: wifeofJoshua (wifeofjoshua)
Posted at: April 29th, 2005 01:42 am (UTC)

Thanks for your excellent thoughts, Olivia! I just wanted to second them and add...

He comes home smelling like smoke and beer and I dont want my kids around that.

It will be much worse if they have to be around a mama that they know is upset with their daddy for the things he chooses to do.


...and he will still probably do the things that make you upset. :o| :)

Posted by: keeperathome (keeperathome)
Posted at: April 4th, 2005 07:47 am (UTC)

In my opinion, being equals and each having a vote - if that is what your husband likes and is comfortable with - is a perfect Christian marriage. Some men like to be dominant and lay down the law, some a gentle, servant-hearted leaders, some do a little bit of both at different times. I think that there is a blessing in loving our men as they are, and NOT setting up idols in our hearts of The Perfect Christian Husband. You say that the other men in the band, cheat on their wives but not in a real sense - well, I think many Christian women cheat on their husbands in a sense that the Lord Jesus would think real: they want a husband like so-and-so, who is such a strong leader and does Bible studies with the children and so on. I think it must be awful to be a husband with a discontented wife over "personality flaws" - what if our husbands were going about discussing with their friends how they want a wife who is always up for all-the-frills sex? I would hate to think my husband was dissatisfied with me :o(

You are so on the right track with your desire to submit and follow the man God gave you to rather than the man you think you want. And I also think you are totally right to be guided by the Bible's wisdom about how to win a husband over. I think we do need to be cautious that we are not using mind games to try and get our own way, but a godly desire backed by prayer will be blessed by God, I believe.

I am praying for you :o)

Posted by: Emily (emily25069)
Posted at: April 4th, 2005 08:00 pm (UTC)

THank you for what you said.. It means a lot to me.

Posted by: eric (happylantern)
Posted at: January 1st, 2006 06:59 am (UTC)

God's fake though.

Posted by: vkier (vkier)
Posted at: January 30th, 2006 06:14 am (UTC)
My Comment Exceeds 4300 Characters, Pt. I
AshMommySleeping

I just found your post and it says a lot of what has been on my heart lately, so I wanted to ask how things are now and also share a little of my own personal story.

My husband loves music, too. At one point in our marriage (he now says because I and our church at the time pressured him to) he sold his VERY LARGE collection of rock music. I burned mine.

He replaced his with all Christian rock. In the beginning, the bands were obvious, clear-cut lyric types. But as he started listening to more vague-"love"-in-general type bands, he started wondering what the point was. During the past three years he has managed to rebuild (and add extensively to) his previous collection. We just had our first son in September. Perhaps it was only in my mind, but last summer his musical interest seemed extreme. He wouldn't leave the house without his massive cd carry case, thumbing through them as he drove -- even if just for a ten-minute drive to Wal-Mart. He wouldn't sit down at the computer without having to chain-stack his CD player with CD after CD -- usually listening to the same stupid one over and over and over ...

I played calm, not once mentioning I thought he was going way overboard. I guess I have learned a little in the past almost ten years we've been married. I HAVE nagged and said my peace on a NUMBER of issues (drinking and music being major ones). As a result of my misguided, albeit well-intentioned actions, today my husband is a very confused and somewhat helpless leader in our household. Even if it's not entirely the case, he feels like I always get MY way, that he usually does what I say is right just because I hound him, and not because he feels like it's the right thing to do. In fact, he's told me on a number of occasions that he resents me (even questioning his love for me and validity of our marriage) -- most recently a couple of months before our son's birth. He said that he didn't feel like we had anything in common. That everything he loved I had a problem with and even if I didn't say anything about it, he knew my heart on the issue and that bothered him.

In a way I know he's right about that. I'm with you -- there are some things I just do NOT want my son to grow up with. I want a lot more for my son than I had growing up. I don't want him to have to live in a home which is not OBVIOUSLY Christian. By that I mean that I don't want to raise a worldly kid -- one that knows all the latest MTV shows and rude, crude cartoon, tv shows or movies. I want him to love memorizing scripture and helping others -- not lines from a song or show he's seen over and over.

(Continued...)

Posted by: vkier (vkier)
Posted at: January 30th, 2006 06:16 am (UTC)
The remaining 1300 characters... (Pt. II)
AshMommySleeping

My husband and I didn't seriously mention having children until the last couple of years -- less because I thought we were finally the stable Christian couple I had dreamed of for so long -- more because I feared being an old mom (or never being able to conceive). The day I took an ovulation test and found out I was ovulating (after a month on a fertility drug) I had a very heartfelt conversation with my husband. I asked him if he thought it was a good idea. If he really thought we would raise our son in a Christian family for the Lord. If he would be willing to have Bible study with our son or daughter and teach them to pray and not rely totally on me to be the spiritual teacher in the home to our children. He agreed that was right and we conceived.

I guess I expected an overnight transformation. AT least a nine month one... In the months since our son was born (he's now four months old) I can see a few changes in my husband. He is less attached to his music. He can actually now sit at the computer in silence (which is MAJOR progress in my book). My latest concern is actually an ongoing one from way back. He has started self-publishing books (for a little over a year and a half). I asked him at one point whether he prayed before starting this venture, and he flat out told me NO. Like I had asked a stupid question. The reason I bring that up now is because he is publishing zombie books. He's loved horror and what I would consider occultish genres since we've been married and before. I steer clear of them because my imagination is active enough without any outside help -- plus I believe they are evil and dark and I believe Christians are called to walk in the light and shun the evil. I am now praying that my husband will see the error in his preference for these things and the potential damage their influence will have on our son if they just lie around the house like they are now (the covers are spooky enough as it is! One night while here by myself I turned all the covers around so I wouldn't have to look at the spines).

I'm trying to compose a journal entry of my own to glean other's advice on this matter -- without sounding condemning or critical of my husband (since he is also a reader of my journal). I want to gather reactions to the question: "What is evil?" But I haven't gotten it together yet.

I really do love my husband and believe he is a good father. I am just worried about the impact his moral liberties will have on our son (and other future children) -- particularly since we are presently the sole caregivers for our son (we have opposite work schedules) and plan to keep it that way for as long as possible. I worry about the influence his background noise/life will have...

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I wanted to let you know I think I understand a little bit of what you are/were facing, and that I am praying for you.

BTW: That comment before my first one was very disturbing...

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